Secousse et Crainte

First we showed the Afghanis who's boss, and now Iraq. Who's next on the hit list? My sources say France.

Peut-être, after seeing what has happened to Iraq, Chirac and his minions will surrender peacefully and seek asylum in, say, the Ivory Coast. But don't count on it: France is a proud, arrogant country, and we know it possesses weapons of mass destruction. Frog-eaters, prepare for Opération Secousse et Crainte.

The reasons are obvious. For one, targetting our Tomahawks and bombs against the Quai d'Orsay, Nôtre-Dame, and other monuments of high symbolic and strategic value will demonstrate the United States' even-handedness: It's not just Muslim-majority countries that should fear to defy the U.S. Secondly, it will eliminate that country's pretensions to dominate its European neighbors and any dreams it may still have of an independent force de frappe. Third, it will open up wonderful reconstruction opportunities for Haliburton and other U.S. firms, thus boosting the U.S. economy. Fourth, by taking out France we also knock out any potential insolence from Germany, and thereby liberate the vibrant New Europe of Estonia, Bulgaria, and all those other little countries with brand-new democracies from the dead hand of Old Europe and its obsolete values of Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité. It will also be a most gracious gesture to repay Tony Blair for his support. Finally, and most importantly, is the moral imperative. The Bush-Cheney-Rumsfeld junta, plus Ashford, is dedicated to stamping out the reactionary doctrine France announced more than two centuries ago and has never formally disowned: its Déclaration des Droits de l'Homme.

Remember, you read it here first.